Navigating the world of (not) dating

When I made a list of 19 New Year's Resolutions, I'm not sure exactly what prompted me to go on one date on the list. The truth is I've never really dated much. I generally hang out with guys as friends, have crushes from a distance and on rare occasions it turns into more.

So perhaps this resolution was influenced by the three weddings I had to attend this year or all the unsolicited advice I've been getting about dating in the last few years. Mostly I think it was just an opportunity to challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone, like a lot of my other resolutions.

But this resolution has been a little harder to complete than any of the eight I've crossed off the list. It seems like a simple enough resolution, one date, but it really hasn't been. I have to admit that I am not the most social person. I spend a lot of time at work and a lot of time at the gym and a lot of time at movie theaters, so I probably don't open myself up to many opportunities to meet people. But I swear, I have been making an effort.

First, I started telling friends about my resolution in hopes they might set me up on a blind date. All of them seemed to think it was a good idea, but most of them said the only guys they know who are single are jerks. So that avenue hasn't been very fruitful.

Early in the year I created a profile on okcupid.com, a website a friend recommended since he knew someone who met a girlfriend on the site. It's basically the same as any other dating site - except its free and the creators maintain an interesting blog that mines data from the site.

The free thing seemed like a plus to me since I would have to shell out $30 or more a month for a dating site that probably wouldn't work. But as it turns out, the free site is also a bastion of men who are in the middle of a career change, figuring out what to study in school or taking a break (all those things translate to unemployed.) I haven't had much luck on the site, whether it be because of my photos, my master's degree or my reporter's salary, but I have gotten a few laughs out of it.

I got a message from one guy who in the first correspondence asked if I wanted to be friends with benefits. A quick look at his profile revealed he was unemployed, living with his parents and unattractive. So yeah, it was easy to pass on that one. There was also a guy who e-mailed me multiple times in between each message I sent him, and within the first week of communicating with me told me about his very ill mother. I had images of him being frantic to get married so dear old mom could be there for the wedding. His over eagerness was just too much for me.

There was one guy I actually considered meeting in person - he was funny over e-mail, well-educated and cute in his picture, even though his listed height was a bit on the short side for me. We actually got to the point of talking about getting together. I mentioned we could see a movie together - so I could get a resolution and a movie column out of the way at the same time, even if the date was a bust. He said it would be fun and he was available in a couple weeks. And then when I wrote him back to confirm a date, he went silent. There was no response back - ever. Guess he changed his mind.


Personally, I haven't been a fan of my online interactions so last month I decided to try something different. I saw a posting from Solis Winery on Facebook about an "It's Just Lunch" singles event. It was only $15 and it was in Gilroy so I wouldn't have to drive far on a weeknight. The cover included wine tasting, appetizers and a chance to meet new people. I figured I would go and check it out. My one hesitation was that I worried it might be just a long pitch for the "It's Just Lunch" dating service, which sets up busy professionals on lunch dates.


When I arrived at Solis Winery, it wasn't a long pitch at all. It was a strange crowd, however. When I walked into the tasting room, most of the people there were at least 20 years older than I am. Some of the women came across as very much on the prowl. And with some of the others, I could see why they were single. One talked about how many dating services she has joined through the years and another talked about her divorce - 13 years ago. Really didn't seem like first meeting topics to me, but what do I know as I can't even get one date.


I was getting ready to make an early exit when two guys who looked more around my age walked in. I noticed them because they seemed so out of place. They were both kinda cute, but I probably would never have walked up to them on my own. One of the guys came over to the group of women I was talking with and introduced himself. It seemed like a perfect opportunity to get to know him better - but one of the women would not stop talking. Basically no one else could get a word in. I was again thinking about making an exit again. But then the group I was stuck in decided to buy a bottle of wine and take the conversation outside. I thought it might be a chance to get to know the only guys there around my age a little bit.


Unfortunately, I had consumed only a little wine so all the other women, who were still drinking, were a lot more talkative and flirtatious than I was. They were, perhaps, also a little charmed by the fact that they had the younger guys at their table. I talked a bit, but didn't add much to the conversation. I did, however, find out that the two guys, who were friends did not really belong. They had been invited to the event by a friend who worked for "It's Just Lunch" who wanted to increase the male-to-female ratio.


At the end of the night, the one guy asked to exchange business cards with me for a potential story for my newspaper. The other guy exchanged numbers with all the women at the table, programmed the numbers in and then called so we would all have his number, too. A week after the event, I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out some time. He said sure. We exchanged a couple more texts - and then he went silent. I guess I could have followed up with him again, or suggested a specific date, but I think I read too much of the book "He's Just Not That Into You" because he seemed clear to me he wasn't that into me. And maybe that's one of my problems with dating - I just don't want to waste too much time on people who aren't interested in me.


And as it turns out, the hard sell for "It's Just Lunch" came a couple weeks later when the cute guy's friend called me five days in a row when I was busy at work to talk about my interest in a membership. Seems the woman who barely talked to me at Solis except to mark me off as present had told the sales girl I was "really interested" in learning more about the membership. I finally called the woman back and said I might be up to more pay-as-you-go events, but the special $200 off membership just wasn't for me. And three days later she called me again to say she remembered we had a conversation, but couldn't remember exactly what we talked about. I reminded her that, no, I did not want to join. Solis and "It's Just Lunch" paired up for another event last week, but I skipped it.


As it turns out, I am beginning to think this might be the one resolution I don't resolve this year. And to be honest, that's just fine by me, since all this not even really dating stuff is kind of a roller coaster ride in itself. I'd rather just stick to having a crush from afar, say on the cute guy I see a couple times a week at the gym. I don't know his name. I don't know what he does for a living. But he smiles at me and says hi when I see him.